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HAIL TO THE CHEF

By T-N Food & Shit Correspondent Julian Veg

Flaming Ramsay

The Ministry of Food , Filth & Fornication has announced a new push to get the British people eating correctly. As a result the Minister, Sir Dick Slider, will announce shortly a new Food Tsar.

No more 'pukka grub' and softly, softly approach the Tsar will push forward plain, honest tucker the whole country can consume. Favourite for the post is plain speaking Gordon 'Fu*&ing' Ramsay.

Ramsay is not confirming the new role, which in political parlance means he's a shoe in, and has issued the following statement through his agent Fanny Filcher:

Hoots mon, I cannae fucking believe it, just when I dinnae have a pot ta piss in my mate Gordon throws me a fucking life line. All I have ta dae is dress up some keek 'n' tatties and I'll rake it in. He went on to say something like "shit, knickers, piss, wank, cock, twat, bastards, fucking sassanachs, arses", but it could have just been jock speak.

Last Updated::: 03-Oct-2009 11:05

Twisted T.V. Highlights - Autumn/Winter 2009

Pick of the Best? Emanating from the box:

Golden Anus

Every tea time at 4pm, just another quiz game where complete dolts get to be seen on telly selling themselves for money, a bit like golden balls only shittier.

Blair - The Wonder Years

Every Friday for a six week run. Get to wonder where all the money went, where the education standards went, wonder why Blair introduced free living for the great unwashed in order to procure votes, wonder why Cherie keeps popping up on the telly when she's got a face like a donkeys arse, wonder why the working class is now paying for the unworking class.

Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are

Each Tuesday evening at 9pm. No, not another genealogy look back at some famous persons ancestors. This program allows the viewer to see beyond the thin veneer of a previously respected famous person and get to call them all the names under the sun. Program 1 looks at Stephen Gerrard - a respected footballer, family man and philanthropist or just another cheeky scouse cunt with money - you get to decide.

Panorama Special - School Bullys

Each Monday evening at 10pm the investigative team look at something or other and blow it all out of proportion ( a bit like the Daily Mail on speed). This week the team investigates school bully's - where have they all gone? Head Teachers say the don't exist, the politicians avoid the subject like the plague, the woolly liberals won't have none of it (they are victims too you know). Will the team be thwarted by officialdom or are they up for a fight?

Tesco Thursday

A day of adverts from the retail giant interspersed with some 15 minute programs. Next week Sainsbury Sunday, a full day of religious advertising hosted by St. Peter Andre.

Previous T.V. Highlights

Crop Circles False?

It's a copy copyright, right?

Check out what The Society for Horticultural and Arable Media (SHAM) say!

For full information visit Flash Universe.

Twisted NEWS Shorts

Councils throughout Britain are preparing to take the leaves in for winter.

Gordon Brown and Labour are to blot out the Sun, but will the wrinklies get their winter cold payments?

T-N wins the right to copyright the word hullabaloo after along court case. Justice Pratt extended the copyright worldwide and to all media types.

Bankers bonuses to be downgraded from 'Mega Rich' status to just 'Stupidly Rich', "this should appease the working classes" said some government arse.

The war on peoples who have never attacked our shores continues unabated. Gordon Brown has an exit strategy but that only involves a removal van and some packing cases for no. 10.

Barack who?

:: MORE NEWS SHORTS ::

Real News from Around The World....

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Autumn/Winter Weather by Gail Forswinds

Ripple Animation Sunrise Animation Snow Animation

North - It's cold enough for the lads to get their tits oot on the terraces. Watch out for hail stone Tuesday.

Sarf - Almost chilly enough to throw bundles of sterling on the fire. Watch out for foreigners carrying snow in their pockets.

Scotland - Lag your breeks and grow your beards lassies, winter is imminent.

Wales - miserable, bloody miserable. Still, better than being English.

Ireland - Rain is the order of the day, turning as cold as Guinness on a sun kissed afternoon.

I'm off to the bahamas to study the warm weather conditions. You never know, we may need the knowledge one day.

Byeeeee.

Weather Letters