Winter At Twisted NEWS
Bollock Brains
By Medical Correspondant Dick Malpractice
Hmm they were there this morning....
Lab boffins
have been hard at it trying find an ethical way of producing stem cells, and guess what? They've done it by jove.
Yes lab rats have discovered usable stem cells in the male testes (apparently the female ones weren't up to it), the cells can be farmed and chemically altered to make body parts; you could replace the nose, eyes and ears for instance - but then you would get called bollock-face for the rest of your natural! It could also prove to be a cure for brain disorders such as alzhymers
It has taken the boffins a decade to find the answer scientists the world over have been searching for, this has upset women everywhere as they have always known that mens brains were in their pants!
Last Updated::: 01-Feb-2009 13:35
Eggs Benedict
By Food & Wine Correspondent Margo Munch
Il Pope telling the throng "shuddupaya face"
News from Rome, apparently the honeymoon period is over for the Pope and he is becoming incresingly miffed with the gathering worshipers. At first it was just a few utterances under the breath, but now Archbishop's have become extremely concerned after the Pope threatened to 'do the crowd up'.
Benedict XVI, real name Heinrich Von Kesselring, is aleged to have thrown a wobbly because aides were unable to get eggs large enough. Clerics were sent to the far corners of the earth to purloin 'da bigga eggs', finally they recovered a clutch from the greater Larger Chuff. The Pope, pictured above, managed to hit two nuns and a labrador called 'Old Nick'.
In a move to appease the masses (Ed - I know, no pun intended) the Pope is going to hold off until Easter, he believes pilgrims won't be offended if he throws chocolate and paste eggs.
Last Updated::: 16-Jan-2009 21:24
Y-Factor
By Reality T.V. Critic H.D. Telli
'Y' in sign language (no shit - Ed)
The Y-Factor coming to a screen near you! Following on from the success of X-Factor (no connection) comes Y-Factor, the showcase for all the international 'talent' not good enough to be considered for any other talent show.
Some of the talent on offer includes an 86 year old consumptive who keeps coughing his false teeth out whilst singing. Another is a ladies dance troop from Rumania, the novelty being they are all pensioners with zimmer frames. The highlight of the opening show is Josie Wannabee, a tap dancing fifteen year old, buck toothed gal from Ohio who has had an arm and a leg amputated to capture the sympathy vote.
The Y-Factor, if your not good at anything then this could be your chance to showcase your non-existant talent.
Judges will be chosen from the losers of 'I'm A Celebrity' and 'Big Brother' shows.
Last Updated::: 15-Jan-2009 18:17
Alienated Aliens
Bob, about to expire
Check out the alien shenanigans and goings on at Flash Universe, there's more to life than our wee planet!
For full information visit Flash Universe.
Twisted NEWS Shorts
Lord of the bungs - new film to be shot in the upper chamber at Westminster, characters to include; Grabbit, Knabbitt and Havit.
HM Government 'alarmed' and 'concerned' over the failure of Social Services to get their PR right.
EC beaurocrats to challenge TwistedNEWS for attempting to copyright the word 'shenanigans'. Both the Irish and the Belgians believe the word derived from their country so the debate goes on....
HM Gov, worried about the mass unemployments in the UK, are to spend (don't they mean borrow more money - Ed) a Queen's ransom on re training out of work car workers to become illegal immigrants so they can be fast-tracked into British jobs.
Top Gear are to put Ronaldo into their 'reasonably priced car' so the knob can have a go at crashing a slow car as well. Clarkson said "this will be the first time the The Stig will be forced to wear a seat belt.
T-N asks the big question: trombone players, WHY!!!!!
Real News from Around The World....
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New Year Weather by Gail Forswinds
North - Snow heavans high so parents are off work to pelt the kids with sowballs and have that long awaited cold wash.
Sarf - An inch of snow and the Sarf has ground to a halt with a million soft southern bas%&rds whinging it's cold, get over yourselves and get on with it!
Scotland - A white barren wasteland leading to frosticles on the testicles, they can't wait for a proper winter to come along.
Wales - Snow everywhere! BBC 1, BBC 2, ITV....
Ireland - The tattie munchers are lagging their legs ready for the white stuff, sure it'll look like like the top of a guinness
I'm writing this whilst paddling up the Yarra Yarra in Oz, bit warm init!
Byeeeee.
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