T.V. PICKS - WINTER 2009
Pick of the Best? Emanating from the box:
Golden Anus
Every tea time at 4pm, just another quiz game where complete dolts get to be seen on telly selling themselves for money, a bit like golden balls only shittier.
Blair - The Wonder Years
Every Friday for a six week run. Get to wonder where all the money went, where the education standards went, wonder why Blair introduced free living for the great unwashed in order to procure votes, wonder why Cherie keeps popping up on the telly when she's got face like a donkeys arse, wonder why the working class is now paying for the unworking class.
Who THe Fuck Do You Think You Are
Each Tuesday evening at 9pm. No, not another genealogy look back at some famous persons ancestors. This program allows the viewer to see beyond the thin veneer of a previously respected famous person and get to call them all the names under the sun. Program 1 looks at Stephen Gerrard - a respected footballer, family man and philanthropist or just another cheeky scouse cunt with money - you get to decide.
Panorama Special - School Bullys
Each Monday evening at 10pm the investigative team look at something or other and blow it all out of proportion ( a bit like the Daily Mail on speed). This week the team investigates school bully's - where have they all gone? Head Teachers say the don't exist, the politicians avoid the subject like the plague, the woolly liberals won't have none of it (they are victims too you know). Will the team be thwarted by officialdom or are they up for a fight?
Tesco Thursday
A day of adverts from the retail giant interspersed with some 15 minute programs. Next week Sainsbury Sunday, a full day of religious advertising hosted by St. Peter Andre.
T.V. PICKS - SUMMER 2009
EVERY SATURDAY - Full On Scrotum Stretching
Another crackpot show hosted by two jibbering idiots from the North. Yes, it's the Ant & Dec roadshow where contestants have to attempt to pull their scrotums over their heads. Whooping and screaming are compulsary from the studio audience, viewers can piss their money away on a voteing scam.
SUNDAY'S 8PM - God Bothering For The Lonely and Old
All religions are catered for, from the casual worshiper to the extreme extremist. Each religious representative gets 10 minutes each to state their cause whilst being bombarded with mangos. The two finalist get to wrestle each other to death in a vat of frog spawn.
MONDAY'S 10:30 - The Crack
Chat show for women and men on the dole with breasts. Basic premise being that a bunch of fading Julie's sit around gabbing, like women do, and mentioning the words 'my snatch' in every topic.
TUESDAY 20:00 - Born in the US With Aids
A discussion among leading lights of New York about STD's and HIV in particular. Bruce Springsteen provides the soundtrack and incidental music.
Viewers are advised the next program contains STRONG FUCKING LANGUAGE!
TUESDAY 21:00 - Tourettes Olympics
Steve Cram and Sebastian Coe provide commentary, explanations, information and translations in this, the first Olympiad for Tourette sufferers. Disciplines will include:
- 100m mother fucker sprint
- Javelin for bastards, and
- Someone will be for the fucking high jump
- 20km walk for uncontrollable shakers
WEDNESDAY 6pm - Starsky & Abrahams
Two cops go nuts and cause merry bloody hell at a synagogue. Contains high speed action, salt beef and jewellery. Next week Starsky investigates a hullabaloo on the South Bank.
THURSDAY'S 11:00 - Mel Gibson Season
Each Thursday Mel Gibson gets to show off his overacting skills in some movie or other....
FRIDAY Midnight - Friday Fright Night
Get the latest updates on the state of the economy, country and Gordon Brown.
Last Updated::: 01-Aug-2009 18:35
T.V. Picks
Pick of the weekend - Reviewed by Rupert Westby-East
Saturday 8:30pm
Celebrity Tipping (SKY Squits channel)
Another celebrity programme featuring every near forgotten, or wannabe plebe who is available for £20 hour.
The main premise of the show is two teams of minor stars picked by the captains based on a game sequence. However each team is awarded a huge celeb. for the purposes of the game.
The advantage of weight over strength or guile is obvious. A number of trials begin earning the contestants points, points equate to the numbers of team members accrued, the more in the team the more likely the team will be able to tip over the 'big un'. The first team to tip over the ‘big un’ wins.
Host: Lily Savage
Captains: Peter Andre and Lionel Blair
Funniest moment: John Inman dressed as a pussy trying to tip Vanessa Feltz into a cold collation.
Dire – should be popular. (L005ER)
Sunday 7pm
The Dales Tales (Series - ITV 1)
A story of simple Northern folk joking their way through a series of murders investigated by amateur sleuth, and hair-dresser, Tristan Treadlightly.
The jovial people of Lower Crouch, simpletons all, have their world torn apart by a series of brutal murders, but somehow manage to quickly forget. Hair-Dresser Tristan (Graham Norton) lends weight to these tales of meandering slaughter juxtaposed with jovial crack.
The Dales Tales is no lightweight, boasting more deaths than Midsomer Murders and funnier lines than the Sketch Show. Watch out for a brilliant performance by Hugh Lawrie as buck-toothed lethario, and accident-prone land owner, Lord Harbinger of Doom. Romantic interest is provided by Janet Street-Porter as Tilly Lamp, the local bike.I rate this Two Thumbs Up!
Last Updated::: 14-Jul-2006 20:09
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