Twisted Time Check


No Shit Sherlock!


by Gail Forswinds

Big Ben Animation
It's snow joke!

The Met Office boffins now say we may get some wintry showers. One tosspot there was quoted as saying "If it snows then it might be cold, oh yes, and possibly slippery. On the other hand it may not be, but that's all I'm prepared to commit to at the moment. Ask me again in 10 minutes when I've finished me cocoa".

A Government Transport departmental spokesperson was caught completely unaware because he had not looked out of the window. He explained, "It's a funny thing but after I've had my tea and Hob Nobs, done the Times crossword, been for a Brad Pitt, polished my shoes, tore up my Sudoku in rage etc., it's then that I usually have a butchers out the window before issuing the green light for the gritters".

Unfortunately I was interrupted from my normal routine because some work had come in - I know, what are the chances? Anyways, after taking delivery of the paper clips, counting them individually, allotting them to the typist pool, it was time for lunch. Three hours and seven courses later I was in need of a lie down and thought I'd catch a crafty one for half an hour.

To cut a long story short, I overslept and was trudging through the snow towards Harrods when it hit me - I forgot about the bloody gritters! Still, tomorrow's another day and thank the Lord I don't have a car.



The Hex Factor


by T-N TV Pundit Emma Dale

Louis Walsh wearing shitty pants on his face
Louis sporting shitty pants yesterday

X-Factor jurist Louis Walsh has been cursed by a former failed contestant. It's rumoured a voodoo doctor has cursed poor Louis and the hapless Irishman is forced to wear shitty pants on his face (see smelly image above).


Should Louis remove the pants he then suffers the equivolent of 100 volts to the testicles, some say this may account for the strange and sometimes funny faces he pulls on TV.


When asked for a comment Simon Cowell pissed himself, not because he found it funny, but because he too has been cursed with the loss of bladder control every time Louis' name is mentioned to him. Some say this may account for the high up trousers he is famed for, apparently they are used to hide extra large diapers.


The news caused Cheryl Cole to sing wildly out of tune and ended up warbling like a starling on crack. This is nothing to do with the Voodoo, she just happens to be cursed with a shite voice - why? Because she's worth it!

Twisted T.V. Highlights for 2011



Pick of the Best? Emanating from the box:

 

Raoul Moat's Goat

 

Sunday 9th January 2011 at 8pm. An in-depth study into who got Raoul's goat with guest excuses from the family, friends, Social Services, HMP Service, the Rozzers and his best mate Gazza.


Please donate to PC David Rathband's Blue Lamp Foundation

 

Top 100 Shittiest T.V. Programs of 2010

 

Wednesday 5th January 2011 at 10pm on ITV3. Usual contenders: people trying to sing, dance, skate, cook or anyone generally getting in the way of real entertainment.

 

The Hunt for Blair's Millions

 

Thursday 6th January 2011 at 7.30pm. An in-depth analysis of where Blair hides his ill gotten gains. Watch out for one former Blairite who reckons he should get it all together and stick it up his own arse.


Please donate to The Greedy Blair's Coffers

 

Shagathon 2011

 

Every Friday 10pm Sky3 in the New Year. Series kicks of with five high powered politicians who start off with a game of hide the hamster followed by random dogging on Hampstead Heath. Hosted by the ghost of Hughie Green.

 

What's My religion

 

Every Sunday evening at 9pm on Channel 4. A documentary come quiz show on various religous aspects. The guests are silhouetted and panellists have to determine the religion and name of the person from the answers, dogma and rhetoric given to questions asked. Watch out for guest panelist Tony, cross my palm with gold, Blair who forgets he was a good christian of the C of E brand before finding the one true religion in Catholicism - my guess is he can confess all on his death bed and sail away to heaven to meet all the good people like himself.

 

My Muslim Neighbour

 

Each Tuesday commencing 11th January 2011 at 9.30pm. A new sit com based around 70's favourite 'Love Thy Neighbour'. The Johnson-Smythe's become alarmed when a muslim cleric moves in next door and all kinds of hilarious shenanigans ensue. Program 1 features a plot line which includes the cleric making a stew for 20 people and the Johnson-Smythe's going ape believing he is a front for manufacturing bombs and the like. Peter Kay 'blacks-up' to play muslim cleric Arsan Abowt.

 

The Global Warming Debate

 

Postponed until after the big thaw.

 

 

Previous T.V. Highlights

 

Alienated Aliens in Decay



Alienated Aliens in Decay at Flash Universe
'Bob' the Alien?



Check out the report from Graspin T. Weerdo, MSc!

For full information visit Flash Universe.



Twisted NEWS Shorts


Top Twisted Resolutions: